ON MY OWNN

Shelley’s Story

In June of 2005 I was approached by our Homeless Prevention Program through my church to see if I would tell my story and have it published in the Faith and Friends Inspiration for Living magazine. My story was published in August 2005 and the publication was sent all across Canada, and Bermuda. I agreed to do this so that I could give hope to others women that might be in the same type of situation, that they too may know that they can get help and live a normal life. So if this story helps one person then it was well worth the words written here. Here is my story:

The abuse was part of a pattern established early in my life. When I was young, my parents divorced and I moved with my dad. We had some rough times where we had to be seperated for 18 months due to unforseen circumstances. So my dad looked for somewhere safe for me to be. I had to be placed in foster care which was to be temporary, unfortunately that last for 18 months. By age seven, I had lived in several homes. Eventually I was moved into a big old farmhouse where there were seven kids being fostered. The ages ranged from ages 8-17 with me being the youngest. The safe haven I had longed for had developed into a horrific situation. Things were going on in the home that the foster parents knew nothing about. I was sexually abused by a 14 year old male living in the house. This information was eventually found out by the foster parents and they did nothing about it. You see this took place in the early seventies and sexual abuse or any kind of abuse was not talked about like it is today.

No one outside of the home knew anything about the abuse. I had placed my hope in the court sytem. If my father could win his case and regain custody of me then I could return home. The news of the verdict shattered my dreams. He lost the case and I was again in the home of where the abuse continued. My dad finally gained custody, but the abuse had left its mark. Frusturated with his rules, and his advice I left when I was 16 and became a live-in nanny for two years. Drugs, parties, skipping school and failed relationships followed. I felt I had no purpose in life. For 10 years I pursued various careers, education opportunities and relationships. All were unsuccessful. I still had not overcome the abuse from my childhood. I soon realized that it was time to deal with it when I was in college studying the Social Social Worker. I began by telling my dad. I was 25 years of age. For years I trained myself to lock up the information. Still unable to let the past hurts surface completely it was another 12 years before I entered therapy.

Forgiving the Children's Aid Society was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I don't hold any grudges. It is in the past where it belongs. You can't move on if you don't learn how to forgive. God gave his son to forgive our sins and He expects the same in return.

In 1994 I met Danny (not his real name) at a local bar. One month later we were living together, and in 1996 our daughter was born. When I was six months pregnant the first signs of physical abuse appeared. It started with a push and escalated. I also discovered Danny had cheated on me, yet I still married him in 1999. Don't ask me why! I had a bruise once that know one else knew I had, he was good at picking his target spots. No one knew what was going on. I continued to make excuses in my mind for his behaviour. Three years into the marriage, I had an affair. I was tired of the mistreatment, and I was desperately looking for a way out. Danny found out and threatened to kill me if it ever happened again. I was terrified and tried to put the relationship back together. Fear caused me to keep this nightmare a secret. I have had plants thrown at me as well as food spit in my face. I've been choked and punched and had my clothes nearly ripped off of me. Ninety-nine percent of the time it was alcohol related.

I really realized the situation was severe when my daughter at the age of 6 told me about a dream she had, and she said in her dream that she saw her daddy light mommy on fire and watched her burn. I was horrified, and yet I still stayed with him. The abuse still continued on for another 3 years. I finally had enough abuse and one night in January of 2004 he started again on me and I started hitting him back and asking him "How do you like it"? I told him right then and there that was the last time he would ever lay a hand on me. True to my word, it was the last time he ever laid a hand on me!

I finally had peace and quiet, however I lost my job in June of that same year and I was devasted. How was I going to pay the rent? Frantically I called Ontario Works, which is an agency that provided financial support to people who are going through tough time. I did not qualify but I was referred to the Homeless Prevention Program operated by The Salvation Army in Newmarket, ON. The church got me out of that mess and they really didn't try to pry into my life and I didn't have to tell them about my abuse that I just came out of. Months went by and I continued to struggle financially. On the way back home from a car show on September 18th 2004, I passed a sign advertising a community fair. My daughter really wanted to go so we drove down the street to the fair. Whe we got there I realized this location was the church I had gone to just two months previous to get help after losing my job. I had made the decision that day prior to the fair to start going back to church again, spiritually I was a mess and needed help.  I went to The Salvation Army church the very next day. I joined that church and 3 weeks later I was enrolled in a small group studying Rick Warren's- Purpose Driven Life. On October 12th 2004, I became a Christian. I have learned so much in my journey. I have learned to trust in God, he never fails me, ever. I have learned to trust in my own intuition, and I have also learned that the relationships in our lives is the most important thing! I try to surround myself with lots of positive things, I have had enough negativity to last me several lifetime.

I eventually went to counselling for the sexual abuse I suffered as a child, and I every goal I had set for myself I accomplished while in counselling. I had gone through counselling for the abuse suffered in my marriage. I have forgiven Danny and I wish him all the best in life and I hope one day he may find God. It was finding The Salvation Army church that truly saved me.

May who ever reads this story, find peace, love and hope and remember that I over came my past and abuse and so can you. Just believe in yourself. I do!